Wait

For JF – now a fond memory.

Is it his strengths or my weaknesses
That keep drawing me in?

Is it reality, or my hopes and heart,
That produced this image of him?

Generally I have common sense,
For the most part I am sane…

But still months later, and miles apart
My admiration for him remains.

So am I just a child, not willing to let go?
Or have I found something worth fighting for,
Where my vulnerability is safe to show?

I don’t know what to trust,
My past intuitions have been so wrong.

And do I just look like an idiot
For holding on to this so long?

Maybe our time served it’s purpose,
His respect for me was new

So at least there’s a higher standard –
Next time it will have to be as real, as true.

The only thing about him, that I know I can’t deny
Is after all the hype and puppy love was gone,
My love didn’t end, just changed, I still saw him as such a great guy.

There was more than the initial jolt,
More than just a little flame.

Those feelings endured, they were honest and pure,
To not fight for it seems a shame.

But the hardest of all is despite my conclusions,
By this time his feelings are far from the same.

Love can’t be forced and I wouldn’t want it that way
He’s chasing his dreams, and I know that it’s best,
Except that he’s so far away.

So I could put my heart aside, let it wait until time permits
Or simply let go, and avoid future pain
If all that waiting was for what’s in my heart… not his.

I sound like a fool, I think, as I read this,
To have let someone get so close
To let them affect me, leave myself open for wounds,
The pressure I’m putting on him scares me the most

So another day I’ll wonder
Just what this life holds
Another day of hiding this debate.

I’ll turn off this light, drift into sleep,
Wake up tomorrow, and wait.

T
© 2005 – 20 years old