A Surprise Revelation

Do you ever have moments where you wonder if you’ve really changed? If the worst parts of you have really grown and they’re not just hiding somewhere inside?

I have that fear all too often. That the immature, frightened, yet rebellious 19, 20, 21 year old me just got too busy with real life to keep making big mistakes – but if I let it slip for a second she’s right there. Ready to take me down.

But I recently had the unusual experience of looking into a mirror, in the flesh, of how I used to be – maybe not quite to the same degree – but those bad characteristics and immature traits were there. They were in the form of a woman not more than 2 years older than me.

I watched “what could have been” play out right in front of me, as she made one bad decision after the next and – not with condemnation nor without empathy – I realized that I had truly changed, and that I was so thankful I had.

My heart broke for this person, I knew I’d been granted more opportunities than she had, and in so many instances, granted more grace.

But before I give all credit away to just a bout of a better fortune, here is what I’ll applaud myself for: that grace was not taken for granted. Those opportunities were cherished and I took them and worked with them and earned the trust and respect of the people I had hurt or disappointed in my youth.

And so in my sadness of watching someone else be how I may have been, I feel a sense of victory over my own demons. I am not the 19 year old lost somewhere in between new found bar-star-mania and a devoted Christian upbringing. Somewhere in “being too busy to make big mistakes” I made the right choices, listened to my inner voice, started listening to my parents wisdom and learned to love myself.

Where ever you are, friend, I hope you find that place someday, too. It’s ok to let loose now and again, in little ways, but keep the real world in focus and set up principles for yourself that only you know about, that you never break. Hold yourself accountable and self respect will come. Self love follows close behind ❤️